PEACHMONK 



JOHN EYERMAN 



PEACHMONK 



A SERIO-COMIC DETECTIVE TALE IN WHICH NO 

FIRE-ARMS ARE USED AND NO ONE IS KILLED 

BEING A THREE DAYS EPISODE IN THE LIFE OF 

THE DUKE OF BELLEVILLE AS RELATED BY 

LORD EDWARD LYNDON 



JOHN EYERMAN 



NEW YORI 
1917 



! -~^ C«J taJ%F^ i 



^17 






1-1.U-\C12.V- 



The fabric of this tale is based largely upon the use of Book- 
Titles, and the names, several names in connection, or expressions in 
CAPITALS, which indicate these titles, should in no way interfere 
with the continuous reading of the story. 

No Title, of either one or more words, is used more than once, 
unless such title is represented by more than one Author. 

Approximately, Nine Hundred Book-Titles have been used. 

No Literary Merit is claimed for this Tale, as none has been at- 
tempted. The following Letter explains itself: 

BARCHESTER TOWERS. 
KENILWORTH. 
Saturday. 
Dear Eyerman: 

When we were talking the other night at MRS. 
PERKIN'S BALL, I was just about to ask you a 
favor, when OUR MUTUAL FRIEND, ADDI- 
SON, with his usual lack of GOOD FORM FOR 
ALL OCCASIONS, decided to fasten himself to us: 
AFTERWARD, AT THE CASA NAPOLEON, 
THE AMERICANS tied me up. I am glad to say 
that I am now FAR FROM THE MADDING 
CROWDS^, and VILETTE, THE BEAUTIFUL 
WRETCH that she is, has urged me to write you. 

When Scarlett's eye-troubles began he decided 
to amuse himself by dictating to MISS MAJORI- 
BANKS, THE STORY OF MY LIFE, as he called 
it * * * * Ten days ago, and to my AMAZE- 
MENT, he was ordered to INDIA and his work is 
not completed, and I am no good at that kind of 
thing. I want YOU to undertake the WORK, 
and Scarlett wants you too. Don't refuse, please. 

Present or absent, I trust, my dear fellow, that 
you will think of me always as your sincere friend. 

Belleville. 



[1] 



[2] 

My PRINTERS have informed me that ALL THINGS CON- 
SIDERED, it will be best to omit the Introduction, as it is "NOT IN 
IT" with the tale, WHICH was to have followed. 

NOW. at first. I considered this all STUFF AND NONSENSE. 
for I am sure I know MORE about CLEVER TALES, than they do 
about printed MATTER, and I believe that I am considered one of 
the best DESCRIPTIVE WRITERS in GREAT BRITAIN, and 
certainly can write SKETCHES AND STORIES; however, "IT'S 
UP TO YOU," but when the printers told me that the question 
would be asked "WHO WROTE THAT?" to be followed by the re- 
mark "IT'S GREAT TO BE CRAZY," I decided that as MY 
BROTHER AND I are PALS FIRST, FOR HIS SAKE, the Intro- 
duction, AS A MATTER OF COURSE, must be omitted. 



PEACHMONK 




I: BEGINNING OF THE TALE 

HEN one sees THE HONEY BEE constructing his little 
hexagonal CELL, and the SPIDERS weaving their webs 
and bridges, with all the accuracy of the ENGINEER, 
which operations are not ACCIDENTALS, one is in- 
clined to ask: is one MAKING THE MOST OF ONE'S MIND? 
Candidly: I DON'T KNOW: perhaps not; but I do know from a 
scientific standpoint, the comparison is not permissible; still it makes 
ONE think. However, what is most apparent to me is that I am in 
THE CLUTCH OF CIRCUMSTANCES, and I have to write this 
tale; THEREFORE, ONCE UPON A TIME, as all stories should 
begin, a certain successful debutante, known as LADY ROSE'S 
DAUGHTER, THE LADY EVELYN, sat in her boudoir in THE 
HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT, IN LONDON TOWN, looking at 
THE FACE IN THE GIRANDOLE, and listening to THE CHIMES 
of the SILVER BELLS, announcing THE ELEVENTH-HOUR. 
This room, like THE CIRCULAR STUDY on the floor below, was 
hung with GOBELINS, between which, at regular intervals, were 
hung original DRAWINGS OF GAINSBOROUGH, the floor being 
covered with that world-famous textile, THE CARPET FROM 
BAGDAD, while upon a magnificent LOUIS XIV stand were some 
exquisite specimens of SALT-GLAZED STONEWARE, stamped 
with THE GREEN SEAL. 

Through THE OPEN SHUTTERS came the VOICE OF THE 
STREET, and from distant KENNEDY SQUARE, the occasional 

[3] 



[4] 

bark of THE GOLDEN-GREYHOUND, intermingled with the soft 
lapping noise of THE MOVING OF THE WATERS in THE POND 
IN THE MARSHY MEADOW. 

MAMZELLE FIFINE, her ladyship's maid, was in the act of 
affixing THE JEWEL OF THE SEVEN STARS to her ladyship's 
beautiful new Peqiun CREATION, when VIVIETTE, one of the 
parlour maids entered, carrying a box. "MILADI," said THE 
EXPERT MAID-SERVANT, "this box was left but a moment ago 
and DENIS DUVAL told me to bring it to your ladyship at once, 
as THE MESSENGER said it contained FAMILY SECRETS; 
there is a key in this sealed envelope." 

THE VERMILION BOX, upon being opened with THE 
DIAMOND KEY, disclosed A RED LILY, to which was attached a 
card bearing the short inscription, "LEST WE FORGET," and 
the INITIALS ONLY, TO M. L. G. 

NOW, the Lady Evelyn, being A DIPLOMATIC WOMAN, 
NOWADAYS, not unusual, expressed her astonishment in but seven 
WORDS, "AT LAST, THE TRUTH ABOUT THE CASE," and 
continuing said, "Viviette, draw THE CRIMSON BLIND, see that 
MY STUDY FIRE is lighted, and ask ANN BOYD, the house- 
keeper, to come to me at once.' 

The housekeeper entered almost immediately. 

"Boyd," said HER LADYSHIP, "I shall postpone MY IRISH 
JOURNEY, TO-DAY; I believe that before the TWELFTH NIGHT 
from now, I shall know who this GABRIELLE TRANSGRESSOR 
is, in fact I intend to know if it take FIVE YEARS TO FIND OUT; 
go to the Circular Study, and consult the last WHO'S WHO IN 
MUSIC AND DRAMA, and let me know what it says about MAD- 
EMOISELLE CELESTE of the Gaiety THEATRE; then telephone 
2835 MAYFAIR, and ask WERNER, THE COUNT'S CHAUF- 
FEUR to go to number NINETY-THREE, MANSFIELD PARK, 
to-night at nine o'clock, and finally tell BETTY THE SCRIBE to 
write a note of acceptance to the private seance of VERA THE 
MEDIUM; and this afternoon, if you care to, you may take your 
sister HELEN'S BABIES, SUSANNA AND SUE, to WUTHERING 
HEIGHTS to see the HYPOTEMNODON, or, if you prefer, to 
WAVERLEY to visit your UNCLE REMUS AND BR'ER 
RABBIT." 



11: INTRODUCES THE HERO 




HE Duke of Belleville, having arrived at THE STAGE 
DOOR of the Gaiety Theatre, just ten minutes late, had 
failed to keep his appointment, and had been informed 
by the door-man MR. PRATT that Mademoiselle 
Celeste had left word that he was to go on to the Savoy, where she 
expected to have supper and wanted the Duke to join the party. 

The Duke, somewhat annoyed, but being made of THE RIGHT 
STUFF, as let us hope all gentlemen are, merely remarked: 

•T shall go IN SEARCH OF MADEMOISELLE" and turning, 
he pushed his way through A MOTLEY crowd, the usual TYPES 
FROM CITY STREETS, regained his motor, at the same time 
deciding to FIRST go to his chambers, ROUND THE CORNER IN 
GAY STREET, to have a little chat with his friend, HENRY 
ESMOND, who had adjoining chambers and who was THE FIRST 
SECRETARY to THE PRIME MINISTER, and who was leaving 
on the morrow for EQUATORIAL AMERICA to study THE NEGRO 
PROBLEM and the AFTERMATH OF SLAVERY. 

AT THE OPEN DOOR to his chambers, the Duke was met by 
his man, Jameson, who said, 

"There is a LADY awaiting your Grace." 

"Well, Jameson, who is THE MIDNIGHT GUEST?" 

"I really don't know, your Grace, THE MYSTERIOUS 
STRANGER is closely veiled and will not give her name." 

"Very well, there is no ALTERNATIVE, I'll see her, and, Jame- 
son, remain within call." 

"GOOD EVENING, MY LADY OF DOUBT," said the Duke, 
"may I ask to whom — great heavens, Evelyn, what are you doing 
here at this time of NIGHT? Surely the WORLD'S END IS NEAR; 
WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY? Your independence, to say the least, 
is somewhat disconcerting; why not telephone?" 

[5] 



[61 

"JACK, you are positively hateful; I could not telephone my 
message — no EAVESDROPPER, I trust — I believe I am on the 
verge of discovering LORD CAMMERLEIGH'S SECRET, and I 
want you to accompany ME to-morrow to THE MATRIMONIAL 
BUREAU of THE PRINCESS DEHRA, that SORCERESS OF 
ROME, who has many LITTLE STORIES, LAID UP IN 
LAVENDER and can always find THE MAN HIGHER UP." 

"OH, I SAY, Evelyn, you certainly do lead A SINGULAR 
LIFE; you know I am not interested in these so-called TRUE 
STORIES OF CRIME and most unfortunately, too, I am taking 
THE 10.12 EXPRESS to Brighton; however, I shall be very pleased, 
you know, to go with you on Monday." 

"Thank you, JACK, but I AM AFRAID that is quite im- 
practicable, and I am sorely disappointed: you certainly took more 
than a passive interest in the recovery of THE EUSTACE 
DIAMONDS; now, it seems you never have the time for anything; 
of course it is well known that THE BEAUTY, this Gaiety star, 
always goes to BRIGHTON on Sunday, and I am told, by the 10.12 
Express; I really do not understand your INFATUATION for this 
WILD WINGS; but I dare say it's the WAY OF MAN, IN THE 
ARENA of course; it's THE TREND of the times: however, MAJOR 
VIGOUREAUX will be only too delighted to go with me, but I 
wanted you, you foolish boy, you are certainly A CHANGED MAN, 
and I do hope you are not PLAYING WITH FIRE, but " 

"Beg pardon, your Grace," interrupted Jameson, entering, 
"Detective-Inspector Morgan is below, and desires particularly to 
see your Grace." 

"Let him come up, Jameson, and conduct the lady to the North 
lift." 

"And, BY THE WAY, Evelyn, I'm opening the Eaton Square 
house and shall have a surprise for you: here, don't forget THE 
VANITY BOX." 

"Well, JACK, good-bye, I suppose I'm turned out, MARION'S- 
VACATION, begins next week, and I'm taking her to THE 
DOCTOR'S LITTLE GIRL, ELIZABETH HOBART AT EXETER 
HALL." 

"Inspector Morgan," announces Jameson. 

"Sorry to trouble you, your Grace: the lady. ..." 

"Now, look here, MY MAN, the lady is my cousin." 



[7] 

"EXCUSE ME, your Grace. I quite understand: no harm in- 
tended: I thought I recognized the LITTLE LADY as one of the 
LIGHT FINGERED GENTRY; beg pardon. I'm sure; I came 
particularly to ask your Grace's aid regarding the so-called 
MYSTERIOUS MR. SABIN; we believe he was THE MAN IN- 
SIDE, THE MYSTERY OF THE MIDDLE-TEMPLE, although 
fortunately for himself, he keeps well WITHIN THE LAW; this 
slippery TENNESSEE SHAD was at lunch to-day with Miss Celeste 
of the Gaiety— nothing wrong with your Grace, I hope— great show on 
there; your Grace probably recalls the timely advice you gave us 
regarding THE CARLTON CASE; well. SIR MORTIMER, my 
chief, had HOPE that your Grace would again be able to advise us." 
"I fear not, in this case, Morgan, in fact I don't want to stand in 
ANOTHER MAN'S SHOES. THE MAN IN THE BASEMENT 
was really responsible for that advice." 

"Then I shall INTERVIEW, THE LODGER; WHAT'S HIS 
NAME, your Grace?" 

•That is OUT OF THE QUESTION, Morgan; you are like the 
DOG in the hands of the express company: you've eaten your TAG 
and don't know where you are to go; too late; THE PEOPLE DOWN- 
STAIRS. I am told. left yesterday for TROIS SEMAINES EN 
FRANCE, which means, of course, SOJOURNING, SHOPPING 
AND STUDYING IN PARIS; and now you must go, as I have an 
appointment, long overdue; take a cigar, Morgan, from THE BRASS 
BOWL, over there, and IN AFTER YEARS, you will remember 
that particular brand, as it is pure HEMP, and if you are going HOME 
take that PURPLE FERN to your wife's MOTHER, for a chance 
like this only comes ONCE TO EVERY MAN, and GOOD NIGHT 




Ill: INTRODUCES MARJORIE 

ARJORIE'S VACATION was fast approaching its end; 
SHE and her friend MARIETTA, (BY FORCE OF 
CIRCUMSTANCES, were conducting a flourishing 
TYPE-WRITING establishment, JUST BETWEEN 
THEMSELVES, at THE HOUSE ON CHERRY STREET, on 
THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE STREET, so that PASSERS-BY 
could see THE WAY UP, and they always allowed themselves, as a 
VACATION, LITTLE JOURNEYS of a fortnight's duration IN 
THAMESLAND or among THE ALPS. 

Marjorie and her very best friend, BETTY STANDISH, were 
seated under THE PLUM TREE, but obviously, not at a time when 
the fruit was over-ripe, in THE GARDEN AT NO. 19, in that 
historic spot, CHANTREY LAND, as the old village of Norton, 
DERBYSHIRE, is called, having just been served with a second 
instalment of TEA, by TILLIE A MENNONITE MAID, who 
carried with her, THE GLEAM of LOCAL COLOR. The girls had 
just had an exceedingly trying two hours' visit from THE MAYOR'S 
WIFE, one of THE RAVENELS, and whose only TOPICS FOR 
CONVERSATION, IN A NUTSHELL, were invariably IN DE- 
FENSE of her FAMILY; that she was following IN THE FOOT- 
STEPS OF THE BRONTES, and always ended with the statement 
that her BIG BROTHER, JOHN HENRY SMITH, THE ARCH- 
DEACON, had ordered the removal of THE OLD PEABODY PEW, 
despite THE WARNING OF SEXTON MAGINNIS, that THE 
MONK'S TREASURE would not be found in that part of THE 
LONELY CHURCH of ST. JUDE'S and to-day, in addition to 
these thread-bare topics, she announced to her hearers, that ON 
GOING TO CHURCH, she had passed AT CLOSE RANGE, LORD 
LONDON, and his SISTER CARRIE, taking some STRAY BIRDS 
and TOY DOGS to the ABANDONED, HILL-TOP FARM (to see 
the DOG STARS) and finally, that her husband. SIR JOHN CON- 

[8] 



[9] 

STANTINE, had always been A SERVANT OF THE PUBLIC: 
in fact, with the Mayor's wife, it was always, I MYSELF and my 
family, and the young girls were at the point of collapse, when THE 
CRISIS came, and THE EGOTISTICAL I, lady took her departure. 

BETTY had picked up the INEVITABLE, MRS. RORER'S 
COOKBOOK, for she Hked THE FUN OF COOKING, in order to 
decide WHAT TO HAVE FOR DINNER, and with the HOPE of 
making an entire change in the SUNDAY NIGHT SUPPERS, for 
one can not subsist solely on BAKERS' BREAD or CREAM 
TOASTS. 

BETTY dear," said Marjorie, "I have come to the conclusion 
that THE CARD SYSTEM IN THE OFFICE is valueless to US." 

"Of course it is, if you say so; what does Marietta think? but 
listen; is that MUSIC or someone in distress?" 

For from HERE AND THERE came the sound of MUSIC; Oh! 
such NERVE-racking, BROKEN MUSIC; Marjorie, at once, 
hastened to THE GIANT'S GATE, the last remnant of Blunder- 
bore castle, which once occupied the site of the present house, to 
find the guilty person, and there discovered a wretched-looking 
individual, with two still more wretched-looking ANIMALS, which 
the man called THE TEDDY BEARS. 

Now, as Marjorie believed, that in THE TRAINING OF WILD 
ANIMALS, one should first secure their FRIENDSHIP, she, WITH 
THE BEST INTENTION, gave each of the bears a piece of COT- 
TAGE PIE, and this is no joke, either; for bears LOVE this particular 
kind of pie; as a matter of fact, DIDO THE DANCING BEAR, 
considers it THE RIGHT STUFF, and much prefers it to the flesh 
of THE SALAMANDER, and in A SPIRIT OF MIRTH, she gave 
THE IMMORTAL CHARLATAN some SIX PENNY PIECES, 
to take his PETS to NORTHRANGER ABBEY, to SERENADE 
the Mayor's wife, for, thought the young girl, harmless REVENGE is 
sweet, and moreover she may be AT DEATH'S DOOR, after the 
trying time she gave us. 

"Betty, DEAR, I am so happy; we have had so many HAPPY 
DAYS and yet, I shall be glad to return to THE CITY OF PLEAS- 
URE; is it not strange that I, A MILLIONAIRE GIRL, should have 
to earn my own living, because of AN OPERA AND LADY GRAS- 
MERE? but what am I saying? THE DAWN OF A TO-MORROW 



[10] 

is still far away; Horrors; there goes that fearful client of mine across 
THE LONG ROAD: I am frightened. WHAT IS COMING? what 
does she want here?" 

"Marjorie, tell me, what is worrying you? let us be COMRADES 
IN ARMS; let me help you as I helped the FIVE LITTLE PEPPERS, 
IN THE LITTLE BROWN HOUSE; let me be THE CUSTODIAN 
of your secret." 

"Yes, dear, I'll confide in you: I AM not, as you have supposed, 
THE DAUGHTER OF ANDERSON CROW; I truly believe I am 
Lord Cammerleigh's CHILD, that I have a sister, who is none other 
than CELESTE, THE PRIMADONNA at the Gaiety Theatre; 
and from what I have gathered from a WOMAN, the same woman 
who just entered THE DEVIL'S GARDEN, who comes to our 
office to have senseless letters type-written and apparently to no 
purpose, so far as I can understand; I say, I believe my FATHER 
does not know where we are and more than that, dare not look for 
us on account, I say, of what this wretched woman calls THAT 
AFFAIR AT ELIZABETH: a question of WATCHFUL WAITING; 
it is certainly A DESPERATE CONSPIRACY, and I shall not rest 
until THE CONSPIRATORS are UNMASKED AT LAST; but no 
more to-night: WHAT'S THE USE, you are CHILLY: put on THE 
GREENMANTLE and we will stroll along PIDGIN ISLAND, as 
far as DARK HOLLOW to see if our little favorite the PUFFINUS 
EYERMANI is still there, and TO-MORROW we will go to 
SHREWSBURY to see JOEY AT THE FAIR feeding THE 
DRAGON. 



IV: INTRODUCES THE VILLAIN 




HERLOCK HOLMES once remarked: "By far, the most 
daring investigator and most successful elucidator of 
criminal mysteries is Martin Dhragnet, but unfortunately, 
he always gives you the impression of being HALF A 
ROGUE." In less than two years' time this same Dhragnet, having 
had charge of the famous case of THE INFAMOUS JOHN FRIEND 
in which THE DETHRONEMENT OF THE CITY BOSS was 
a possibility, sold out his principal client, SIR HENDER O'HALLO- 
RAN, V. C, THE MEMBER FOR ARCIS, and with two of the 
principals, THE GREIFFENSTEINS, FATHER AND SON, he 
fled to THE REPUBLIC OF CHILI, where they BEACHED 
KEELS, and on the following CHRISTMAS, with EMPTY 
POCKETS, and being in need of MONEY to buy the THINGS 
required on CHRISTMAS DAY, took a CHANCE by stealing THE 
GOLDEN DOG of THE PRESIDENT OF QUEX: escaped capture, 
under the cover of one of those dark ARIZONA NIGHTS, by cross- 
ing to BOLIVIA, where as ELECTRIC ARCS were in use on dark 
nights, they were finally CAGED; but this is THE SECRET 
HISTORY OF TO-DAY, and really digression. 

Dhragnet finally escaped WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE, 
by gnawing a hole through the WHITE PINE boards of his TINDER- 
BOX prison, swam the OCEAN and THE PANAMA CANAL, and 
with THREE MEN IN A BOAT, crossed the Atlantic to FRANCE; 
retired to a secluded spot in BRITTANY: then travelled in CENTRAL 
ASIA AND TIBET: played THE HONEST LAWYER, INSIDE 
THE GERMAN EMPIRE, hobnobbed with KINGS AND 
QUEENS on the RIVIERA, and IN MONTE CARLO, met AN 
AMERICAN GIRL, called the CAPTIVATING MARY CAR- 
STAIRS, with whom he became infatuated, as she had a bank ac- 
count, and notwithstanding the fact that all her friends said, "Oh: 
MARY MARY, you are sailing UNCHARTED SEAS," she was 



[12] 

CAUGHT IN THE NET, and they were MARRIED, and the bank 
account disappeared, as Dhragnet was given A FREE HAND: after 
THE STORM, THE BAD TIMES came; he then formed, secretly 
of course, THE ROBBERIES CO. LTD., grew a beard, and drifted 
to ENGLAND; located in LONDON: formed the firm of DOMBEY 
& SON, in Suite 813, NUMBER 101, PARK LANE, as purveyors 
of wines and where every BRAND was on sale except the one you 
wanted. 

Strange as it may seem, Dhragnet, alias Dombey, had given 
considerable thought to THE DRINK PROBLEM IN MODERN 
LIFE, and to all appearances did nothing more than play 
DOMINOES and EAT AND GROW THIN; however, he was merely 
KEEPING UP APPEARANCES, for the rear room of this suite was 
the rendezvous of MANY FAMOUS IMPOSTERS, HYPOCRITES 
AND SINNERS: THE SHORT CUT to prison. 



V: WHAT THE VILLAIN DID 




N THE DEAD OF NIGHT, and after strangling 
with a POISON BELT, THE FOX TERRIER, 
asleep BEHIND THE SCREEN, and then removing 
his BOOTS, the INTRUDER, Martin Dhragnet, 
keeping well within the SHADOW of the CANDLE LIGHT, 
steathily approached the couch, upon which the girl, Mar- 
jorie, had thrown herself, but a short time before, to read for a 
fifth time, the LETTERS OF HORACE WALPOLE as she had be- 
come much interested in THE CASE OF DR. HORACE; but five 
times are too many to read, no matter whose LETTERS they are 
and she was soon IN THE CLOUDS, and SLEEP overcame her. 

Dhragnet gave the figure a LIGHT touch, at the same time 
muttering, "MY CAPTIVE, LITTLE NEMO IN SLUMBER- 
LAND:" but THE LAW OF LIFE at once asserted itself, for THE 
HUMAN TOUCH awakened the girl, but chloroform soon silenced 
her, and throwing one of the ORIENTAL RUGS over the form, and 
leaving his boots behind, and which fortunately for him, did not, later, 
give a clue to the owner, THE INVADER carried his burden to THE 
ONE WAY OUT, down THE CIRCULAR STAIRCASE, out INTO 
THE NIGHT, where THE ACCOMPLICE, one of THE GANG, 
awaited him, and taking THE MIDDLE COURSE across the YARD 
AND GARDEN, the TWO SINNERS passed out upon THE 
COUNTRY ROAD, THE ROAD made famous by JOHN GILPIN, 
and none too soon, for THE TENANTS OF THE TREES were 
BEGINNING to announce the approach of DAWN, the end of THE 
LONG NIGHT, THE MORNING OF TO-DAY. 

Marjorie was indeed KIDNAPPED BY PIRATES, as the 
TESTIMONY OF WITNESSES, had there been any, later on. 
would have proved. A short walk along THE DRUID PATH 
brought THE GENTLEMAN with the KIDNAPPED girl and 
CHERRY, his pal, to DEEP MOAT GRANGE, where a motor 
awaited them. 

[13] 



[14] 

"Now, PICCADILLY JIM. don't ask any FOOLISH QUES- 
TIONS," said Dhragnet, THE DAREDEVIL; "don't stand there as 
if you had been STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: this is not A FOOL'S 
ERRAND: we've not COME OUT TO PLAY: GREAT SNAKES, 
I LITTLE KNEW what a HANDICAP the girl was going to be. 
an' I never have much SUCCESS WITH HENS, an' she must weigh 
a ton, I GUESS: but WHEN THE HOUR CAME.^hd IN SPITE 
OF THE HANDICAP, I had to grab her ROYAL HfGHNESS and 
skip; but THE DANGER MARK is passed, an' we'll soon have 
POLLY PEACHUM, IN CHAINS, aboard our m%rry captain's 
leaky OLD CIDER MILL: grind your engine, LADDIE, and get 
away from this DESERTED VILLAGE, for this may be a 
ZEPPELIN NIGHT, an' you know only innocent people, like our- 
selves, are killed on those nights, an' don't get twisted up in your 
untied SHOESTRINGS, an' don't SOUND your horn." 

And THE MAN AT THE WHEEL soon had the motor ON 
SIXTH SPEED, rushing in FULL SWING, along THE ROMANTIC 
ROAD. 




VI:^ INTRODUCES THE HEROINE 

HE Brighton EXPRESS, having arrived at WATERLOO, 
^me FORTY MINUTES LATE, the Duke and his 
newly-made DUCHESS at once proceeded to HIS 
WIFE, Celeste's APARTMENT in THE HOUSE IN 
SPRING GARDENS, where dinner awaited them. 

"SWEETHEART," said the Duke, "you look a DREAM in that 
COSTUME; to-day a DUCHESS OF FEW CLOTHES, TO- 
MORROW, of many: do you know, I feel we are like THE 
CHILDREN WHO RAN AWAY: I really don't deserve all this 
HAPPINESS: WHEN A MAN MARRIES or the woman goes IN 
SEARCH OF A HUSBAND, they naturally have GREAT EX- 
PECTATIONS for a HAPPY LIFE, and I know we are not going 
to be disappointed. " 

"And I am going to be a SUCCESSFUL WIFE." said the Duchess. 

"But to RETURN to our talk about your parents: I must find 
this so-called NURSE NORAH; I am convinced that you are not the 
DAUGHTER of Anderson Crow." 

"Of course I'm not, JACK, but whose daughter am D I am IN 
THE DARK; when JUST A LITTLE GIRL. I was sent to school at 
STRATFORD-ON-AVON where on SATURDAY MORNINGS. I 
was visited by a woman who called herself MY AUNT JEANNETTE, 
and spoke of me as A DAUGHTER OF THE RICH; MY SCHOOL 
LIFE taught me THE VALUE OF COURAGE, but played HAVOC 
with my disposition: the HOUR OF CONFLICT had to come, of 
course: and then DIMBIE AND I ran away to TOWN and I soon 
became one of THE PLAYERS O'LONDON, and you know the 
REST." 

"I shall certainly see YARBOROUGH THE PREMIER: he is 
familiar with LONDON of twenty " 

"His Grace is wanted on the TELEPHONE," said the maid. 

Tes: Jameson: NO: very well: GREAT CATHERINE: 
very well." 

"I must leave you for a while, my dear; SANDY wants to 

[15] 



[16] 

see me and Inspector Morgan is coming to my chambers; Jameson says 
something important: ALL ABOUT ME: JUST FANCY: so GOOD 
BYE SWEETHEART, you are going to be A JOY FOREVER, and 
these are going to be GREAT DAYS for us; LIFE IS A DREAM 
really." 

After leaving SPRING Gardens, the Duke, who did not con- 
sider WALKING A FINE ART, proceeded slowly along KENSING- 
TON road, ON THE LOOKOUT for FAMILIAR FACES, and at 
THE STREET CALLED STRAIGHT, was stopped by a sign NO 
THOROUGHFARE, where a subway was under construction, and 
was accosted by a bibulous INDIVIDUAL, who had just waded 
through a mortar box, and who said: 

"Greash Scott: ole BOY" said THE MAN WITH THE IRON 
SHOES, swinging his GOLD HEADED CANE, "who'd thought- 
hie — it'd snowed so hard in thish one spot: Sir: wantchew t'know, 
I'm fren' of Sir Jaff' y Gotdough: an' he's dead." 

The Duke had proceeded as far as Addison Road station, when 
a hansom pulled up towards him, and he immediately recognized the 
occupant as his cousin the Lady Evelyn, who said — 

"Jack: I've been watching for you: Jameson said you were in 
SPRING Gardens, but preferred not to give the number: said it was 
NORTH OF FIFTY-THREE: jump in, please; I know it is not 
GOOD FORM FOR WOMEN to be driving ALONE in a public 
vehicle, and I feel like one of THE GIRL ROUGH RIDERS." 

"Well; MY LADY CAPRICE, I WAS THINKING OF YOU; 
what's on HER LADYSHIP'S CONSCIENCE?" 

"Jack: I want this to be A CHRONICLE OF FRIENDSHIPS: 
I know you will ask BY WHAT AUTHORITY, am I interesting my- 
self in your affairs, but do let us be COMRADES, let me tell you 
that the Major has been telling me about your FRIEND, THE 
CHORUS LADY, THE IDOL OF THE TOWN, as she is called- 
now keep your temper — please, only nice things to say — I AM con- 
vinced that she is a lovely and remarkable girl, and not a mere 
FLUFFY RUFFLES: the Major says she is not the daughter of THE 
ADVENTURER, Crow." 

"But, my dear EVELYN, you of all others; you are THE ONE 
WOMAN to interest yourself: it is amazing." 



[17] 

"No sarcasm, JACK, you know I care lots for you, FOR SUCH 
IS LIFE, and if you really want to marry the girl, you may count on 
me: but I came to tell you, that ONE DAY, some time ago, ON 
OUR STREET, my motor ran down a WOMAN; of course you will 
say the INEVITABLE, WOMAN IN THE WAY, and thinking her 
only stunned ordered her carried into the HOUSE, and called THE 
DOCTOR, and after an examination, DR. DAVID ordered absolute 
quiet and forbade her immediate removal: for three days, the woman 
raved about THE MALEFACTOR, Celeste, Cammerleigh, Crow, 
and THE FRUIT OF THE TREE: ordinarily, one does not give 
these ravings a second thought for delirious persons seem to have A 
PERFECT PASSION for raving ON ANYTHING, but the things 
next to their HEART, but the names struck me very forcibly; is it 
not curious THE WAY THINGS HAPPEN; NIGHT AND MORN- 
ING, from NINE UNTIL SIX-THIRTY, she kept it up: I think, 
at the time of the accident, the WOMAN was being followed, as 
Denis has seen the same man watching THE HOUSE: the woman 
finally recovered and upon being interrogated, admitted that she 
expected to need a large sum of MONEY, and asked if I would be 
willing to give two thousand pounds for her SECRET: of course I 
agreed, with a string attached, meaning of course, that being a woman, 
you have a perfect right to change YOUR MIND, whereupon, she 
said that when I receive a box containing a red lily, I must at once 
visit the PRINCESS Dehra: TO-MORROW, I shall tell you what I 
have discovered at the PRINCESS Dehra's." 

"Truly, EVELYN, you're a wonder: I believe you are going to 
help this LITTLE DUKE, as you helped LITTLE ROB ROBIN: 
the deed has been done, I have paid THE PRICE OF LOVE: I was 
MARRIED at BRIGHTON this morning." 

'T am very glad, JACK; and I WISH YOU JOY: I KNOW she 
is a dear girl .... by-the-bye, I am still undecided about becoming 
SIR JAFFRAY'S WIFE: I had hoped to make something out of 
him, but..." 

"About how much: a million?" forgetting, for the moment, that 
he had just heard of the death of this unfortunate individual. 

"Sarcastic again. Jack: but here we are at Brook street: driver: 
No. SEVENTEEN Grosvenor square: Good-night, Jack; come to 
see me TO-MORROW, and trust to my JUDGMENT." 



11 



VII: THE CRISIS 

ELLO! Sandy, OLD MAN: how are you? is THE LURE 
OF THE CITY too much for you? take that chair, 
please." 

"Thanks: I really would not know what to do with 
it." 

"Same old joker. I see: but tell me about THE MARRIAGE OF 
THEODORA: when I heard of THE SUICIDE of her UNCLE 
WILLIAM. . . by-the-bye, WHY DID HE DO IT?" 

"Well: I suppose THE UNFORSEEN happened, and, I dare say, 
he feared BARON TRIGAULT'S VENGEANCE and moreover, I 
fancy he could not have stood THE TEST of the probable revela- 
tions of RAILWAY MISRULE: SO THEY WERE MARRIED, not 
AT THE VILLA ROSE, but at THE HOUSE OF SERRAVALLE. 
you know THE RED-HOUSE ON ROWAN STREET, on THE UP 
GRADE from WOODSTOCK, on THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE 
HILL: THEODORA'S HUSBAND, MR. OPP, is, by LONG ODDS, 
the nicest chap I have met in years: of course, it was a MARRIAGE 
A LA MODE, as he has inherited the greater portion of JOHN 
MARSH'S MILLIONS, and he has undertaken THE EDUCATION 
OF JACQUELINE, THE RED HEAD, you know: rather AN EM- 
BARRASSING ORPHAN, but a jolly keen one, just the same: 
knows about THREE HUNDRED THINGS A BRIGHT GIRL 
CAN DO, and she will be A SUCCESS IN LIFE: but of all the 
FAIRIES I HAVE MET..." 

"Inspector Morgan, your Grace," announces Jameson. 

"Sorry, Sandy, I'll see you later. Morgan, I've been AN EXILE 
FROM LONDON for one whole day: what's the news?" 

"I thought your Grace would like to be in at THE ROUND-UP 
to-night, as I believe you will have some personal interest in the case: 
I have not all the ends joined: there are a few FRAGMENTS THAT 
REMAIN unattached, but it is only a question of getting UNDER 

[18] 



[19] 

THE CRUST: but before I forget it; the DOVER incident is closed: 
THE PASSENGER FROM CALAIS has been CAPTURED and 
THE CAREER OF KATHERINE BUSH has been brought to a 
close: always hate to run down THE WEAKER SEX, but QUICK 
ACTION was necessary. We are going to Ratcliffe, your Grace, 
and I have The Yard's Rolls-Royce below, and if you have no ob- 
jection, we'll make a start. I have taken the PRECAUTION to 
bring THE SCARLET RUNNER, as we call it; pretty heavy car, but 
greater SECURITY; LIGHT MOTOR CARS AND VOITURETTES 
are no good for rough roads. " 

"JERRY," said Morgan, as they reached the curb, "GO-AHEAD, 
don't be a 'FRAID CAT, High street, Ratcliffe." 

It took but a moment to get FROM LOW TO HIGH GEAR: 
through Hobart Place, into VICTORIA Street, across New Palace 
Yard, and on to the Embankment. 

"Give this motor HALF A CHANCE," said Morgan, "and you 
are GOING SOME: Does your Grace see the man AT THE CROSS 
ROADS? that's MY FRIEND PROSPERO: he has been connected 
with more CELEBRATED CRIMES than any man at the Yard." 

On HIGH SPEED. THE SCARLET CAR rushed past The 
Metropole, under Charing Cross bridge, past The Needle and the 
imposing facade of SOMERSET HOUSE: across Blackfriars entrance, 
and then into EARLY LONDON. "BREAKERS AHEAD," called 
Morgan, "Jerry: careful of the mud." There really wasn't any mud, 
only CITY DUST, but the sentence had to be interpolated here in 
order to give a REASON for the next question. 

"I don't suppose your Grace is interested in ROAD MA- 
TERIALS? Last year, MY SON AND I made A STUDY OF 
SPLASHES." 

The motor continued on its CROOKED WAY through Upper 
and Lower THAMES streets, past THE TOWER OF LONDON, 
over THE BROKEN ROAD of Lower Shadwell. 

"Your Grace, I venture to say, A BIT OF ROUGH ROAD." 

"Very, Morgan, but good for OUR DIGESTION, but THESE 
SHIFTING SCENES are rather disconcerting." 

The motor was stopped at Love Lane, where the party was met 
by POLICEMAN BLUE JAY, who accompanied them to the 
THAMES Wharf, BEYOND the No. 3 shaft of Rotherhite Tunnel. 



[20] 

"Inspector." said THE PILOT, "here's A STROKE OF LUCK; 
this is no WILD GOOSE CHASE; your trip is not IN VAIN; you're 
JUST IN TIME, for the boat is still at ANCHOR." 

"WHAT SHALL WE DO NOW?" asked the Duke, not KNOW- 
ING, OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS. 

And Morgan, pointing through THE PURPLE MISTS, to the 
SURREY side, for the early DAWN was upon them, said: 

"We have now reached THE END OF THE JOURNEY: do 
you see the ship in MIDSTREAM off the Surrey Locks, in front of 
the gas tanks? That's our destination: the DEAR ENEMY." 

"But, Morgan, for THE LIFE OF ME. I fail to see where I 
come in." 

"All in good time, your Grace: IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK: 
again I say, don't WORRY: but I see the EBB-TIDE is on," and blow- 
ing two blasts upon a whistle, the Police-Boat, THE SEA WOLF, 
shot through THE OUTLET from Shadwell Basin, where she was 
always HELD FOR ORDERS. 

"Be careful, your Grace: get away. ANTONIO: THE BLACK 
BARQUE, you know: and when we get aboard, all be careful of the 
OPEN HATCHWAYS." 

And IN ANOTHER MOMENT. Morgan, standing in the bow. 
shouted "Ship Ahoy: IN THE KING'S NAME. I want the captain 
of THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT." after which they began climbing 
UP THE LADDER. 

(A fight occurs here, a description of which has been omitted as it 
contains some BLANKETY BLANK VERSE.) 

"And now, my worthy CAP'N GID. cut out the SMILES: THE 
GAME is up: the POPULATION of your HAPPY SHIP has dropped 
one; we have secured two prisoners and if you don't want to be the 
third, COME down, and besides, BY WHAT AUTHORITY are you 
SAILING. UNDER TWO FLAGS: IN SPITE OF ALL the WHITE 
LIES you have told us, you have A YOUNG LADY aboard and we 
propose to have THE GIRL: WORDS TO THE WISE, you 
know. I admit that you have been A VICTIM OF VILLAINY, 
but you are playing A DESPERATE GAME, and THE RECKON- 
ING is at hand. Where is THE HIDDEN VICTIM? what, may I 
ask, have you over there IN GRANDMA'S CHEST, there in THE 



[21] 

SHADOW. UNDER THE RED ROBE? Put down that gun: 
anyway I can see it is not THE REAL THING.' 

(A fight occurs here, a description of which has been omitted, 
as there was some PISTOL AND REVOLVER SHOOTING.) 

"My CAPTAIN with the FAIRY TALES, THE CONFLICT is 
over; THE DAY'S WORK is finished; as a FIGHTER, you're a 
monumental failure: go buy a scrap-book, and learn how to become 
a prize-fighter, and as to SHOOTING FIRE-ARMS like WILD 
FIRE, it was simply FURTHER FOOLISHNESS; but FOR THE 
LOVE OF TONITA, come off your PIRATE BRIDGE; pull up, 
and remember IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND: no more 
MONKEY SHINES: this HAPPY-GO-LUCKY business has been 
EASY MONEY to you, you with THE ITCHING PALM; but it is 
really not one of the THINGS WORTH DOING, and IT NEVER 
CAN HAPPEN AGAIN: I PROMISE to let you off, and these are 
no IDLE WORDS, for you have been THE DUPE, and I WISH 
YOU JOY in your FREEDOM, but OH! MARY BE CAREFUL, 
hereafter. And NOW, my MAN, draw up at the ROYAL ALBERT 

Dock. 

************ 

"EXCUSE ME, MY LORD DUKE," said Morgan, "I think 
instead of awaiting the return of the motor, THE MORE EX- 
CELLENT WAY will be to begin THE HOMEWARD JOURNEY, 
by taking a tram here for West Ham, and then the District to THE 
WEST END, THE LAND OF MAKE BELIEVE." "GO-AHEAD 
BOYS: FOLLOW ME, your Grace," and carrying the still LIMPY 
figure of the RELEASED girl, the party crossed the road. 




VIII: THE GRAND FINALE 

HE Duke of Belleville had just finished going through 
his morning's post, and still held in his HAND a lengthy 
letter from his financial adviser, RICHARD ELLIOTT, 
FINANCIER, THE MONEY MASTER dealing with 
THE FINANCES OF SIR JOHN KYNNERSLY, one of THE 
BOOMERS of the day, and with THE CONTEST FOR SOUND 
MONEY. The Duke was, at the moment, reclining rather lazily, 
with his TWO LEGS outstretched, and was thinking, neither of the 
contents of THE LETTERS, nor of WHAT TO WEAR, but listening 
rather, as THE MUSIC LOVER, to THE SONG OF SONGS. THE 
SONG OF THE CARDINAL, perched upon THE ELM TREE ON 
THE MALL. 

Oh! What is there to equal a SPRING IN LONDON? 

This, the Duke's favorite room, was at once the admiration of 
the artistic, containing, as it did. wonderful examples of THE 
CHIPPENDALES, and FRAGMENTS OF OLD FURNITURE, 
collected by HIS OWN PEOPLE, his very own ANCESTORS: the 
room, too, was an historic one; many A PRINCESS OF INTRIGUE 
had occupied that very chair, and the GHOSTS OF PICCADILLY 
had met there on more than one occasion, for every house must have a 
GHOST, even if it be JUST FOR FUN. 

THE BRONZE BELL of distant Big Ben had just proclaimed 
the hour of noon, when Inspector Morgan was announced. 

"AT LAST," said the Duke to himself, "THE REVELATIONS 
OF INSPECTOR MORGAN." 

"THE TOP OF THE MORNING to your Grace: I am here, 
as you see. AT THE TIME APPOINTED: I trust your Grace is 
well, after the ORDEAL BY FIRE last night? I am A COURIER 
OF FORTUNE. RECORD NO. 33 is now complete." 

"I AM WELL, Morgan: but out with THE GREAT SECRET: 
I take it that THE WELDING of the chain is complete: that THE 

[22] 



[23] 

GREAT PLAN has been successful: but allow me to suggest that you 
are not FRANKS DUELLIST, so for goodness sake, stop bending THE 
SILVER BLADE of that knife: it is not a rapier, as you seem to 
imagine, and I am afraid you will break it: it really belongs IN THE 
KITCHEN." 

"MY STORY, your Grace, is rather long, and in a manner 
proves that there has been MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING: but 
before I begin, let me say that Sir Jaffray was FOUND DEAD this 
MORNING: of course it was DRINK that killed him: I fancy that 
lets your cousin, HER LADYSHIP, out of a bad bargain: THE 
MESSAGE, BY TELEPHONE from Broadstairs stated further that 
Sir Jaffray and THREE COMRADES were BOXING and drinking 
quantities of BAD WHISKEY at BAR-20 of THE FLYING INN, 
and a propos were discussing the ART OF AVIATION, and FLIGHT 
WITHOUT FORMULAE, which only added FUEL to THE FLAME, 
and became so noisy, that THE MASTER OF THE INN threw them 
OUTDOORS: but to RETURN; this MORNING, I had a long 
INTERVIEW with Miss Marjorie Crow, and she has helped me to 
BRIDGE, THE CHASM: LINK BY LINK, have I welded the 
chain: your Grace will probably recall that affair at ELIZABETH, 
when Lord Cammerleigh, having been at THE OPERA with Lady 
Grasmere, was found dead, two hours later, in High street, ELIZA- 
BETH; his apparently lifeless body carried into THE RUNNING 
HORSE INN, to await the arrival of the Coroner of THE 13th 
DISTRICT: how the body disappeared IN A MYSTERIOUS WAY, 
after having been viewed by THE VEILED LADY: the NEXT 
MORNING, one of the Yard's men, PENDENNIS, in passing 
along QUALITY STREET, saw Lord Cammerleigh at THE 
WINDOW AT THE WHITE CAT: with the aid of a FORCING 
BOOK, THE BOLTED DOOR was forced open and his Lordship, 
even although AT BAY, denied having been at ELIZABETH: said he 
had been MOTORING through the HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS 
IN KENT. Nevertheless, he quite innocently gave us THE CLUE: 
ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY, you know; THE WOMAN IN 
QUESTION was traced to CHIPPINGE BOROUGH, where we 
found she made A CHANGE OF DRESS, and in the garb of a 
CHARITY sister, visited prisoner NUMBER 99, at DARTMOOR: 
here, then, was THE MAN IN THE CASE, No. 99, being none other 
than the celebrated DR. NIKOLA. FROM THE BOTTOM UP, 



[24] 

by DEVIOUS WAYS, by PERSUASION, and I might say. almost 
by FOUL-PLAY, have we worked out this case: the WOMAN, I 
have no doubt, finally realized that she was being HUNTED DOWN, 
for we took every OPPORTUNITY to let her know that we had her 
under surveillance, but here our theory failed us, THAT IS TO SAY, 
the woman, NO DOUBT realizing that she was UNDER FIRE, 
instead of coming to US with a proposition, wrote a confession, then 
took A FATAL DOSE of Coniine. Now, your Grace. I understand 
that you were married yesterday, and you will recall that last night 
we rescued a young girl, named MARJORIE Crow. ..." 

"What! Morgan, you certainly don't mean SISTERS: but I 
know the Duchess hasn't a sister." 

"AS YOU LIKE IT. your Grace: right you are. her Grace is 
quite unaware of the fact; but THE TURN OF THE BALANCE 
came this morning, when I informed his Lordship about THE 
WOMAN AT KENSINGTON. HOW SHE PLAYED THE GAME: 
that her husband was still alive and IN DURANCE VILE, although, 
as I SAID TO MYSELF, this is not THE TRUTH as his RELEASE 
came last night. Lord Cammerleigh then related his story: strange 
how all the FRAGMENTS should be found at the same time: IN A 
NUTSHELL, the woman's CONFESSION is that she and her sister 
were the nurses to his Lordship's two daughters. ..." 

"It will be news to most people to hear of Cammerleigh as a 
FATHER." said the Duke, "but continue." 

"At this time his Lordship was very fond of the gaming-table 
and thoroughly knew THE RULES OF THE GAME: one night, 
finding himself cheated, knocked down the offender, AS A MATTER 
OF COURSE, and fled from THE CLUB. AS IT HAPPENED, the 
man was not injured: continued his prison-in-the-end career, and came 
into public notice TWO YEARS AGO. in the case of THE FOURBE 
Soapstone and Leather Co. vs. THE GREAT AMERICAN PIE 
COMPANY: was convicted and is now at DARTMOOR as No. 99, 
which is. as I told you, NOT EXACTLY SO. The morning after the 
club affair, the WOMAN, the nurse, informed Lord Cammerleigh 
that he had killed HER HUSBAND and demanded twenty thousand 
pounds; to keep silent: for the moment, she knew she had THE 
UPPER HAND: his Lordship thought HIS HOUR had come, but 
he put up A GOOD FIGHT: but YOU NEVER KNOW YOUR 
LUCK, for the nurse did not know that his Lordship only had a very 



[25] 

small life-interest in his wife's estate, and could not comply with her 
demands, her scheme had failed: then she spirited away the infants, 
and it was not until to-day, that his Lordship knew that they were 
still alive, so thoroughly did THE BLACKMAILERS do their work." 
"Why did he not call in the police: COWARD. . . ." 
"JUST A MINUTE, your Grace, the reason is obvious: he had 
the murder, so-called, in mind, and he also hoped to locate the kids 
himself: for eighteen years, he was HELD IN THE TOILS, until one 
day he saw the woman, driving in a VICTORIA, in THE ENGADINE: 
she seemed to be moving IN HIGH PLACES (ALTITUDE, 5935 
ft.): he followed her and made A BID FOR FREEDOM, but without 
SUCCESS: the WOMAN informed HIS LORDSHIP that the 
moment she heard of his DEATH, she would reveal HER SECRET 
to his lawyers: hence the two sham deaths: on both occasions, he had 
some one AT HAND, to immediately come FORWARD to claim the 
body and spirit it away, so that proper restoratives could at once be 
applied, without the aid of an inquisitive medical MAN: Doctor 
Phaque thinks he must have used a powder, composed chiefly of 
Dimethyloxyquinizine and Myosin to produce this STATE: the same 
person was to at once inform the NEWSPAPERS of the death: un- 
fortunately, on the first occasion and ON THE EVE of SUCCESS, 
the woman, having followed him to ELIZABETH, at once saw 
through the trick. The second attempt proved equally disastrous: 
we had the details of the Norton abduction, by arresting the man left 
behind, A WATCHER IN THE WOODS; the woman had arranged 
THE GREAT PLAN, HERSELF, when she realized that she had 
divulged entirely too much to Miss MARJORIE Crow but MAN 
PROPOSES, you know: the Nikola man's real name is Anderson 
Nicholson Crow. How is that for A STORY OF A LIE? Lord 
Cammerleigh is now with his DAUGHTER, MARJORIE, and ex- 
pects to call upon her Grace very shortly: he really believes himself 
quite ill; I found him studying A TREATISE ON APPENDICITIS, 
and he TALKS about being put UNDER THE KNIFE: A 
DIAGNOSIS of his own, AS I REMEMBER; PEOPLE LIKE THAT 
are NOT EXACTLY RIGHT; they get on my nerves; they should 
have PEACE AND QUIET behind THE FIVE BARRED GATE." 
"Oh! COME, Morgan, take THINGS AS THEY ARE: But 
your success has been truly marvellous: HERE'S TO YOU: you de- 
serve a big COMPENSATION, and A TOY SHOP, FOR THE 



[26] 

CHILDREN." "Jameson, telephone THE SLEEPING CAR office 
in Cockspur Street, to reserve rooms on THE ROME EXPRESS for 
to-morrow night, as the Duchess and I want to get away from the 
TUMULT of THE CROWDED STREET; and TO BE AMUSED: 
and now, Morgan, LAUGH AGAIN, and GOOD-BYE." 



OF COURSE EVERYTHING HAS BEEN EXPLAINED, 
BUT NOBODY WILL UNDERSTAND THE EXPLANATIONS 
ANY BETTER THAN THE AUTHOR UNDERSTOOD WHAT 
WAS SOUGHT TO BE EXPLAINED. 



